What Am I Doing?

When I first starting writing in this blog, my original intention was to craft a science blog. I made a feeble attempt, and then this fell to the wayside. I suffered from having a large diversity of interests, wanting to write more introspectively, and feeling overly insecure that I would not write anything of actual quality. So this page, like many other forgotten dreams, lay dormant most of the time with occasional post when I felt inspired. As for me, I missed writing, but I was frozen by own fears and insecurities.

 Now I am a PhD student and I have a thesis looming ahead of me. A task that will require a great deal of writing and most days feels impossible. So I am returning to my other childhood passion. I am returning to writing. It has often been said that the key to writing well is writing often and realizing that most of what one produces will be terrible. So I have decided to write. This will not be a themed blog. I will occasionally write about my life and sometimes my ideas. Perhaps there will be the occasional science article, but mostly I am writing because it makes me happy. Perhaps something of worth may come out as well. Time will tell.

sheclismo: London Summer Cyclocross Series: Week 2

What I wrote about race week two.

sheclismo: London Summer Cyclocross Series: Week 2:   It is week two of the London summer cyclocross series and I am going into this race with more confidence.  I am still a little sore fro...

sheclismo: London Calling, It’s Time to Race: Summer Cyclocro...

As many of you know, I try to do bike races as often as possible. I write up accounts of these race to the team blog. I have decided to starting including links to these posts on this blog. This is a summary of the cyclocross race from July 8 2013.

sheclismo: London Calling, It’s Time to Race: Summer Cyclocro...: When I first heard about cyclocross racing in the fall of 2011, I knew this was a type of racing I wanted to try. It promised ...

Do You Know What Fit Looks Like?

Marion Bartoli won Wimbledon 2013. Keeping in my long tradition of watching almost no sports, I did not watch the match. I learned about her win when someone posted an article on facebook. It turns out Marion Bartoli caused quite the upheaval by winning an athletic competition while not looking traditionally fit. She is not of slight build so the logic is, that she must be out of shape and unworthy of the championship. After all being skinny and athletically gifted are practically synonyms, right? As result Marion Bartoli was subjected disgusting amounts of criticism about her looks. She handled this with absolute grace.

This article was posted by a friend of mine who is also an incredible athlete herself, and she posed a very important question, what is the proper response to this type of behavior?

My answer to her question is to destroy the fitness myth and educate people on what numbers actually matter in fitness.

Let me start by asking a few questions. Do you know what fitness looks like? Are all thin people, fit people? If you start working out and training to compete, do you think you will walk away looking like a fitness model?

I think you see where I am going. Fitness takes on many different forms and sizes. Weight is not always directly related to someone's level of physical fitness.  Genetics and other external variables play a huge role in body shape independent of workout regime. Lastly fitness models are models, just like any another part of the fashion industry. There are all kinds of tricks to looking more defined than one actually is, many of which are unhealthy.

For the 2004 Olympics, there was a campaign to address the issue of fitness coming in different sizes. Several different U.S. Olympic atheletes were lined up so we could see their different body shapes along with their height and weight. Below is one example:

I like this campaign and the message it sends, world class athletes who have devoted hours a day to their fitness still come in all different sizes.

I think it is a time for a new message to surface. What does the average athlete look like? What I mean by average athlete, is the individual works a full time job and has all the pressures of a normal life all while training and/or competing in athletic events. For this athlete there are no regular 8 hour workout days with teams of people to ensure they achieve perfection. This is the type of athlete that most people can become. Most do not look like fitness models. They run marathons, swim marathons, do triathlons, race cyclocross, and all sorts of other athletic events. These individuals look delightfully normal, especially when you see them on the street. They come in all different sizes. If you want a specific example, take a look at me. I am an ordinary athlete.

I want to encourage those like myself who are ordinary athletes to come forward with the numbers that do no matter (weight and clothing size), followed by the numbers that do (distance ran/biked/swam, weight lifted, etc.) Let us try to re-educate the population on what achievable fitness looks like for the ordinary person. I cannot raise a challenge I am not willing to do myself, so here goes about me.

At present, I am 5'4 and weigh around 138 pounds. Does my weight surprise you? I am at the high end for my height. I wear size 4 in the US and 8 or a 10 in the UK. I am running a half marathon tomorrow and I did a 1 hour cyclocross race last Monday and I have another one this Monday. I would say that I am in pretty good shape for an ordinary person.

This is a picture of me in college with my younger sister. I was 21 when this was taken. I am in the one in the white swimsuit. At this point I weighed 124 pounds and I wore a size 2. However at this junction in my life, I would not have been able to even run a mile and 20 minutes of aerobics would have been exhausting.

I was fairly slim, but not even remotely an athlete.

After college I continued my inactive lifestyle and the weight caught up to me. I decided to lose it by focusing on training for events, not just weight loss. Below is a picture taken shortly before my 25th birthday; the day I ran my first marathon. At the time I weighed 134 pounds (down from 160 pounds) and wore a size 4 (down from a size 6). Working out will make you slimmer than not working out, but what size and weight you can healthily reach and maintain is determined by other variables.

So you can see I weigh more, but I am far better shape. The extra weight is partially due to muscle mass and partially due to my inherited curves. 

Here is a picture from last summer. I weighed 137 pounds and wore a size 4.  I was 26 when it was taken and competing in an 180 mile bike race. (A concussion and the heat resulted in only biking around 90 miles.) That summer and spring I had biked two gravel centuries, competed in a mountain bike race, competed in a time trial bike race, and trained for another marathon. (I was not able to afford the marathon entry so I did not compete.) Not too bad for an ordinary athlete. 

Last summer I was in the best shape of my life. I also had an excess amount of free time that allowed me to do additional training. As a graduate student, I can no longer boast this luxury.

This is me today at 27 soon to be 28 doing what I love best, racing. I may never weigh in the 120's again. But I bike further, run faster, and lift more than I could before. I know other athletes both bigger and smaller than myself who have the same level of fitness or better. This level of fitness or higher is attainable to even the most ordinary of people.

So here is my challenge. To those you who are athletes, come out with your number, the important ones and the not so important ones. Let us try and change the perception of what people thing fitness looks like.

A Question

a question

the galaxies will spin in their tireless orbits

hurling stars, dust, and planets through a vacuum

chaotically disorganized and beautifully displayed

a glimpse to the infinite unknown

is every thought ever perceived merely insignificant?

At times I feel the need to step back and create something of my own. Something that reflects a piece of me.

Falling Liquid Water and a Machine

falling liquid water and a machine

harder and harder my legs push

water splashes around me

sweat pours down my face

the whir of my tires

the plink of drops

are the only sounds i hear

gone are the deadlines

beyind me are troubles

i see only dark, shining road

chase me, i will not be caught

only the rain rides with me

Something I wrote a while ago. It seems fitting to give it a home here as I look forward to training for racing once again.

Response to the Science of Loneliness

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you

The above article is long, but I recommend giving it a read through. There is a good deal of insight to be gained. The research cited comes from well done studies and it gives a scientific perspective on the devastation that comes from pervasive loneliness. However, I am not going to discuss the merit of the research conducted, instead I will focus on my own isolation experiences of being in a graduate program and discuss possible solutions to student loneliness.

When I moved to the London area to begin my PhD program I unknowingly entered the most isolated period of my life. As per the article "Who are the lonely? They’re the outsiders: not just the elderly, but also the poor, the bullied, the different." I was as different as they came when I began my program. I was a woman in a predominately male field, I was a foreigner with a different accent and different cultural expectations, I was older than the majority of my fellow students, I had an uncharacteristic background in the social sciences, I have different beliefs and convictions, and I felt each of these differences acutely. I was also completely without a support group. My now fiance, then boyfriend was 5000 miles away, and my closest friends were scattered around the United States in a different country. There was no one locally with whom I felt safe enough to have any form intimacy. Being different can make conversation complicated, especially if you fear judgement and condemnation  There was no one to depend on if I needed help. On a more frightening note, I knew that if something happened to me, my absence would go unnoticed for days.  On good days I felt the isolation as a subtle sadness, on the worst days the pain was so intense I felt it would asphyxiate me. My soul cried for help, but there was no one to hear my tears. This resulted in many of the symptoms described in the article. I have been more physically ill over the past several months that I have been since childhood. I had to convince myself every morning that my program was interesting and a good investment. Every day become more exhausting that the day before. This in turn made it more challenging to participate in the mindless games of small talk that I have never cared for anyways. Small talk is no substitute for the intimacy of friendship. That is the funny thing about being alone, the longer it persists, the harder it is to escape.

I did eventually find methods of coping. I started exercising to increase the endorphins. Unfortunately in the UK if you want to exercise with a group, you have to pay club fees, so I train alone. I have especially wonderful flatmates and I made time in my schedule to spend time with them. I also have kept a good correspondence with my friends who live in the United States. I do get along well with some members in the department. My fiance will be joining me here after our wedding in August. I expect things will get better. Perhaps I will eventually have a few closer friends in this country. If you are reading this and can relate to feelings of loneliness, I encourage you to reach out to who you have. There just might be friends to be had.

Loneliness is a fairly common ailment among graduate students. It is foolhardy to think that telling someone who is lonely that other people are lonely that this knowledge will alleviate even an iota of pain. There is no comfort in that thought. Also, it is incorrect that everyone who is lonely will be able to efficiently extract themselves out of the situation. So then what do we do?

As academic individuals, I cannot stress the importance of reaching out to the outsiders. It can be so challenging in the guarded world of academia. Not every conversation needs to be a chance to brag about accomplishments. Not every interaction needs to be a war of opinions. Do we really know the people we share an office with? Maybe we should? From my observations, academia is a strange blend of professionalism in relationships and strained friendships. I also acknowledge that I need to listen to my own advice. I have become more closed off as I have dived deeper into this murky, cold world.

Academic institutions often claim that they value the mental health of the students. My university is no exception. However, I have seen no actual evidence that this conviction is more than a link on the webpage. The majority of social events and clubs are paid attendance only. This makes them very undesirable. Not all graduate students have the financial resources to participate. Instead, perhaps graduate institutions should put forth more effort to encourage socialization among graduate students, including interdepartmental socialization. Perhaps I am being too idealistic, however healthy students produce better research. Better research increases public notice and therefore funds for an academic program. Maybe we cannot afford not to address the issue of graduate student loneliness.

In Sudbury and Being Ordinary

When one becomes a PhD student the first thoughts may be of arduous exams and hours of study and coffee. These visions are not far from reality. When I decided that I was going to pursue a PhD in physics little did I know that world travel, fancy underground labs, and mine training would be thrown into the deal. It all sounds rather exciting, does it not? This is my ordinary life.

I am presently in Sudbury, Ontario Canada and I am working the installation of the MiniClean dark matter detector. This detector will use cryogenically cooled liquid argon to search for the elusive dark matter particle. The detector is located in SNOlab. This is a government lab located one mile underground in an active nickel mine. To access this lab, one must receive extensive training in underground mining, gear up in mine cloths, then one rides down in the mining cage elevator. Once the destination has been reached, one must walk a mile into the mine to reach the lab.

SNO lab is a class 2000 clean lab. This means that there are fewer than 2000 particles per cubic meter of air. To get into lab there is a barrage of cleaning that must take place. Mine boots are sprayed and removed, showers are taken, hairnets and clean suits are donned and then finally one can begin their work. Most of this work consists of cleaning equipment. It is truly a unique experience.

It truly becomes ordinary quickly. I soon realized that while environment is exotic the pressures are ordinary. The deadlines are still present, the office banter still mindless drones on, and there is the omnipresent air of politicking and bragging that infests every work environment. There are the jovial jokes and playful conversations. There is the pleasantness that accompanies a day productive day well spent. I would postulate that humans need the ordinariness to function well. An exotic environment hinders productivity, and once the novelty has worn off, we return to sameness and what is comfortable. However, this is what enables us to survive and thrive as a species in a variety of environments.

Fulcrum Point

The fulcrum point is one of the earlier physics concepts that is covered in primary curriculum. It is the balance point. For example if you take a broom that has the mass of the head on one end and is lighter at the other, there is still a point in the middle of the stick where everything is perfectly balanced.

My earliest encounter was on the teeter-toter. I most encountered the fulcrum again in my undergraduate studies in calculus.

I wish that I had recalled the fulcrum when I began graduate school. I had moved to a new country to attend the school of my dreams. I was going to work with the best and I was terrified to preform. There were exams to pass. So I studied, day in and day out. I neglected my running, my biking, that which brought me joy. The nights grew darker and colder and muggings were common, so avoiding running became easier I was too far away from friends and I was lonely. Still I studied and I passed my exams.

Now I am alone and out of shape. I am tired and lacking the desire. I am unbalanced. I am seeking the fulcrum point before it all comes crashing down.