UnVogue

When you are woman in man's field, you may be surprised at the little things you have to give up.

This is a picture of me. I am in my clean lab at UNL. Behind me is the chamber where I am conducting my experiment. I am attired in clean room garments. These include a dust minimizing lab coat, size large, a hair net, blue booties to wear over my shoes, blue surgical gloves, and a face mask. When the laser beam is on, this ensemble is completed with a pair of laser googles to protect my vision. Since it is a lab environment, close toed flat shoes are required. Being that it is a clean lab, long pants are mandated. Lasers reflect off bright surfaces so jewelry is minimized. A good deal of my work involves crawling around and being involved in manual labor, therefore practical shirts are a good idea. In this environment I am the most happy. I have the joy of discovery at my fingertips. Though there is tedium and frustration, I find the rewards to vastly outweigh the costs. However, one point that I must address, is to experience this lab, I have sacrificed appearances. There is flattering about my outfit. I will not be the cutest girl in my office. Fashion would be an unnecessary burden that would interfere with what is most important. It is well worth it, but it is still a price to pay.

This is another picture of me taken within 24 hours of the first picture. This is preparing to enjoy and evening with friends. I have make up on. I am wearing clothes that fit. I am allowed to wear my hair down. I feel comfortable in my appearance. This is the same person as the other picture and taken with the same poor quality camera, but it is different. I am fully scientist and fully woman, yet I did have to reconcile the two personas. When men enter a lab, they are generally attired in a manor that they would wear normally. This is often less true for women. I have chosen to indulge in a more feminine appearance when I am not working. I think this important. As more women flock to pursing a passion in science, there is a greater demand to demonstrate that femininity need not be abandoned to enter the field.

This final picture was taken in my office above the lab. I like this one. To me in represents a complete picture of being a woman in science. I have been criticized for the plainness of my attire in the lab by other women in other fields who sit at desks and flaunt heels and skirts according to their fancy. My simple clothes allow me the freedom to explore lasers, light, and new ideas. I can wear my heels on the weekends as I discuss my dreams of bigger research projects. Some may say that a focus on appearance is shallow and perhaps they are right. However, how you look, is often you are perceived. Each choice is followed by it's own perceptions.

I Walk Alone

This song is a cliche, yet it is special to me. There was a warm day in June when I went to New Jersey to pick up my new to me car. It a symbolic moment. It was the final piece of my independence. I was nineteen years old, afraid and free. I climbed into the car and looked at the back seat at my belongings, pulled out of the drive way and left my mother's home behind. As I crossed over the United States, every radio station played this song for the first two hours of my journey. This song was describing my life in that moment. It represents a snapshot of what I was. There was an air of loneliness and independence, freedom and passion. I was selfishly heading towards where I needed to be in life.

Those who follow dreams and live for a drive will find themselves in solitude. One must abandon what is common and sometimes what is social to find the meaning that is sought. I find myself more inclined towards a selfish motivation as I follow the allure of science. It is what drives me and the rational behind my choices. It has cost me that which is familiar. As I meet others in my field, I find this similarity. We live for our field and prioritize little above it. There is a selfishness is scholar that is oft ignored. It is the price we pay to live our dreams. We leave behind us the dreams of a traditional life and instead seek to change the world.

Different and New

My initial conception for this blog was to create a place to practice more scientific writing. As it is clearly apparent, as the demands of my schedule fed upon my spare time, I came to the realization that I could not maintain such an endeavor and this junction in my life. I am still interested in science but I will use this space as a method to express how I interact with universe and how I am developing as a scientist and physicist.

Nebraska. A state that never crossed my mind. Now I find my presence in a warm, open expanse on the campus of the University of Nebraska Lincoln. I have one goal this summer: to do excellent research in a field where I am presently completely ignorant. Yet I am confident that I can achieve what has been set before me. Perhaps this is why discoveries are reserved for the fools that walk this earth. There is certain amount of delusional self confience that is required. An art that I am only beginning to understand.

A New Twist

I started this blog to explore how to become a science writer. This adventure started in territory that was completely new to me. I had written so few technical papers previously and I was unsure how to start. The writing landscape was so new that I quickly despaired and gave up, so I need a change. This will become more the story of how I was drawn to science and the physicist that I am becoming. It is my hope that to gradually increase the technicality as I progress. 

Theoretics

dark energy

the universe is expanding

galaxies are flung apart

faster and faster

acceleration

mysterious separation

questionable acceleration

a heavenly dance gone mad

and i am to blame

try and find me

come and define me

the discovery is yours

if you ask the right questions

zip, zip, zoom

faster, faster

acceleration

Flash

twinkling

fire, heat, and hydrogen

universe lifeblood

scatter dust, blaze

explode and die

twinkle, twinkle

little star

Embracing Evolution

"The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding." Proverbs 4:7 NIV

As a young child I was told in school about how the earth was created in six days. We learned this in kindergarten. I have never been able to believe the theory that creation took only a week. This seemed to conflict with my understanding of God and the order of the universe. God's time always seems to be longer than what mere mortal minds expect. It would seem more logical that creation would have taken place over millions of years so that everything would be just right. Being only five at the time my reasoning did not go any deeper than this.

When we reached Big Bang in my elementary science books, it was dismissed as a false theory. We simply needed to know that God created the universe so Big Bang could not have occurred. My young mind accepted this argument. I often wondered what it was like before time began. This was the first theory I was able to reject as I came of age and acquired scientific knowledge. Accepting Big Bang came naturally and did not imply that I did not believe to creation. It was simply deepening my understanding of how things came to be in a physical sense. As I learned about how matter came to be, I was furthered awed by the miracle of formation.

As I progressed in my early studies we encountered evolution and this is where the conflict truly began. We skipped over the entire section, including the ages of the earth. We were told that natural selection on a small scales was the only evolution that was possible. All adaptations were usually to the detriment of a species. We were taught how humankind walked with dinosaurs, (I quickly dismissed this thought.) I was taught to disregard carbon dating as a blatant lie. To believe in evolution was to believe in deception and to deny my faith. As I continued through the remainder of my primary and secondary education, evolution was never again mentioned, for fear of controversy. I entered into undergraduate academics with very little knowledge of theory and only with the notion that it had to be wrong. 

As I aged my drive to acquire scientific knowledge increased and I reached a conundrum. Several theories that I believed to be accurate hinged on accepting some of the ideas behind evolution. I remember feeling a twinge in my stomach as I started wonder if all of evolution was the lie I had believed it to be. I cautiously started studying the field. I examined the evidence and the counter arguments. I realized there was good scientific basis for the theory that had nothing to do with a desire to upset those who believed in creation. Could it be that this conflict is only a political illusion? 

Still I was careful in determining my opinion of the matter. I searched my soul. Could I be a scientist and a believer of spiritual truths? I examined my heart and the evidence. I could nothing to suggest that God would want me to be anything other than rational in learning about creation. So I swam deeper into ocean of knowledge and examined how life came to be over the ages. I looked at every careful step that made life possible as I know it today. It was serene and beautiful, cruel and harsh. It was then I was finally able to say without guilt. I believe that evolution might explain life and I believe that I am divinely created as is all life. The conflict need not exist.

I write this not to incur debate, but merely to express one of my own journeys. I will write more later and tragedy of the conflict between evolution and creation. In the mean time I encourage all to question every theory and to seek answers at all costs.