Falling Liquid Water and a Machine

falling liquid water and a machine

harder and harder my legs push

water splashes around me

sweat pours down my face

the whir of my tires

the plink of drops

are the only sounds i hear

gone are the deadlines

beyind me are troubles

i see only dark, shining road

chase me, i will not be caught

only the rain rides with me

Something I wrote a while ago. It seems fitting to give it a home here as I look forward to training for racing once again.

Response to the Science of Loneliness

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you

The above article is long, but I recommend giving it a read through. There is a good deal of insight to be gained. The research cited comes from well done studies and it gives a scientific perspective on the devastation that comes from pervasive loneliness. However, I am not going to discuss the merit of the research conducted, instead I will focus on my own isolation experiences of being in a graduate program and discuss possible solutions to student loneliness.

When I moved to the London area to begin my PhD program I unknowingly entered the most isolated period of my life. As per the article "Who are the lonely? They’re the outsiders: not just the elderly, but also the poor, the bullied, the different." I was as different as they came when I began my program. I was a woman in a predominately male field, I was a foreigner with a different accent and different cultural expectations, I was older than the majority of my fellow students, I had an uncharacteristic background in the social sciences, I have different beliefs and convictions, and I felt each of these differences acutely. I was also completely without a support group. My now fiance, then boyfriend was 5000 miles away, and my closest friends were scattered around the United States in a different country. There was no one locally with whom I felt safe enough to have any form intimacy. Being different can make conversation complicated, especially if you fear judgement and condemnation  There was no one to depend on if I needed help. On a more frightening note, I knew that if something happened to me, my absence would go unnoticed for days.  On good days I felt the isolation as a subtle sadness, on the worst days the pain was so intense I felt it would asphyxiate me. My soul cried for help, but there was no one to hear my tears. This resulted in many of the symptoms described in the article. I have been more physically ill over the past several months that I have been since childhood. I had to convince myself every morning that my program was interesting and a good investment. Every day become more exhausting that the day before. This in turn made it more challenging to participate in the mindless games of small talk that I have never cared for anyways. Small talk is no substitute for the intimacy of friendship. That is the funny thing about being alone, the longer it persists, the harder it is to escape.

I did eventually find methods of coping. I started exercising to increase the endorphins. Unfortunately in the UK if you want to exercise with a group, you have to pay club fees, so I train alone. I have especially wonderful flatmates and I made time in my schedule to spend time with them. I also have kept a good correspondence with my friends who live in the United States. I do get along well with some members in the department. My fiance will be joining me here after our wedding in August. I expect things will get better. Perhaps I will eventually have a few closer friends in this country. If you are reading this and can relate to feelings of loneliness, I encourage you to reach out to who you have. There just might be friends to be had.

Loneliness is a fairly common ailment among graduate students. It is foolhardy to think that telling someone who is lonely that other people are lonely that this knowledge will alleviate even an iota of pain. There is no comfort in that thought. Also, it is incorrect that everyone who is lonely will be able to efficiently extract themselves out of the situation. So then what do we do?

As academic individuals, I cannot stress the importance of reaching out to the outsiders. It can be so challenging in the guarded world of academia. Not every conversation needs to be a chance to brag about accomplishments. Not every interaction needs to be a war of opinions. Do we really know the people we share an office with? Maybe we should? From my observations, academia is a strange blend of professionalism in relationships and strained friendships. I also acknowledge that I need to listen to my own advice. I have become more closed off as I have dived deeper into this murky, cold world.

Academic institutions often claim that they value the mental health of the students. My university is no exception. However, I have seen no actual evidence that this conviction is more than a link on the webpage. The majority of social events and clubs are paid attendance only. This makes them very undesirable. Not all graduate students have the financial resources to participate. Instead, perhaps graduate institutions should put forth more effort to encourage socialization among graduate students, including interdepartmental socialization. Perhaps I am being too idealistic, however healthy students produce better research. Better research increases public notice and therefore funds for an academic program. Maybe we cannot afford not to address the issue of graduate student loneliness.

In Sudbury and Being Ordinary

When one becomes a PhD student the first thoughts may be of arduous exams and hours of study and coffee. These visions are not far from reality. When I decided that I was going to pursue a PhD in physics little did I know that world travel, fancy underground labs, and mine training would be thrown into the deal. It all sounds rather exciting, does it not? This is my ordinary life.

I am presently in Sudbury, Ontario Canada and I am working the installation of the MiniClean dark matter detector. This detector will use cryogenically cooled liquid argon to search for the elusive dark matter particle. The detector is located in SNOlab. This is a government lab located one mile underground in an active nickel mine. To access this lab, one must receive extensive training in underground mining, gear up in mine cloths, then one rides down in the mining cage elevator. Once the destination has been reached, one must walk a mile into the mine to reach the lab.

SNO lab is a class 2000 clean lab. This means that there are fewer than 2000 particles per cubic meter of air. To get into lab there is a barrage of cleaning that must take place. Mine boots are sprayed and removed, showers are taken, hairnets and clean suits are donned and then finally one can begin their work. Most of this work consists of cleaning equipment. It is truly a unique experience.

It truly becomes ordinary quickly. I soon realized that while environment is exotic the pressures are ordinary. The deadlines are still present, the office banter still mindless drones on, and there is the omnipresent air of politicking and bragging that infests every work environment. There are the jovial jokes and playful conversations. There is the pleasantness that accompanies a day productive day well spent. I would postulate that humans need the ordinariness to function well. An exotic environment hinders productivity, and once the novelty has worn off, we return to sameness and what is comfortable. However, this is what enables us to survive and thrive as a species in a variety of environments.

Fulcrum Point

The fulcrum point is one of the earlier physics concepts that is covered in primary curriculum. It is the balance point. For example if you take a broom that has the mass of the head on one end and is lighter at the other, there is still a point in the middle of the stick where everything is perfectly balanced.

My earliest encounter was on the teeter-toter. I most encountered the fulcrum again in my undergraduate studies in calculus.

I wish that I had recalled the fulcrum when I began graduate school. I had moved to a new country to attend the school of my dreams. I was going to work with the best and I was terrified to preform. There were exams to pass. So I studied, day in and day out. I neglected my running, my biking, that which brought me joy. The nights grew darker and colder and muggings were common, so avoiding running became easier I was too far away from friends and I was lonely. Still I studied and I passed my exams.

Now I am alone and out of shape. I am tired and lacking the desire. I am unbalanced. I am seeking the fulcrum point before it all comes crashing down.

5 a.m. emails

Twice I have recieved emails at 5 a.m. Twice these emails have forever changed my life.

I received an email in early August. My application to Royal Holloway University of London had moved on to the interview phase. I could be leaving the country. I remember how excited and scared I felt. I had given up on obtaining entry to the program. In the week and a half before the interview, I prayed and contemplated my future. After the interview concluded, I knew I was going to get an offer and I knew I was going to accept.

On Friday September 21 I received an email on at 5 a.m. in the morning. It was the missing piece of my visa application. In the 24 hours that followed, I sent in the form to the visa agency, received my visa, booked my flight for the following day, picked up my visa and prepared to leave the country.

As of Sunday morning, I now live in the United Kingdom.

Waiting at Newark Penn Station

Yesterday I turned 27. Yesterday I biked up the side of Manhattan. Yesterday I was stranded in Newark Penn Station with my bike. Yesterday I was supposed to be in London.

Yet here I am, still in the United States.

I have been accepted to the University of London Royal Holloway for a PhD in physics. I will be doing a research project in astroparticle physics focusing on noble gas based dark matter detectors. My flight was scheduled for Monday September 17th. Then a little more than a week before my flight, I was informed my visa application was missing an important sheet of paper, something called an ATAS certificate. Something needed for all science PhD students in England. Then the fury of phone calls and emails to bureaucratic organizations began. I have called every one I could and now all that is left is to wait and pray for the certificate and then the visa. I can only hope that it will arrive before my classes begin. I am stranded on a bench waiting for someone to let me on a train.

I started this blog a while ago with the intention of writing science based posts. I have realized instead that I would rather tell my story. The tale of going through grad school. The tale of sweat, blood, tears, and pencil shavings. There are others who will write science blogs, and I will leave them to it. So this is my adventure. Most start stories with a journey. I am starting this one waiting for a journey and with faith that all will be well.

little science girl

she wanders through life

asking question of everything

curiosity entices her mind

inquiry is her plaything

she is an eternal child

though her body may age

her delicate, strong hands are always at play

a whimsy of a lifetime is always maintained

"science is not a profession" she says

"it is a passion, a calling"

"i do science, because i can do no other"

do you find her beautiful?