5 a.m. emails

Twice I have recieved emails at 5 a.m. Twice these emails have forever changed my life.

I received an email in early August. My application to Royal Holloway University of London had moved on to the interview phase. I could be leaving the country. I remember how excited and scared I felt. I had given up on obtaining entry to the program. In the week and a half before the interview, I prayed and contemplated my future. After the interview concluded, I knew I was going to get an offer and I knew I was going to accept.

On Friday September 21 I received an email on at 5 a.m. in the morning. It was the missing piece of my visa application. In the 24 hours that followed, I sent in the form to the visa agency, received my visa, booked my flight for the following day, picked up my visa and prepared to leave the country.

As of Sunday morning, I now live in the United Kingdom.

Waiting at Newark Penn Station

Yesterday I turned 27. Yesterday I biked up the side of Manhattan. Yesterday I was stranded in Newark Penn Station with my bike. Yesterday I was supposed to be in London.

Yet here I am, still in the United States.

I have been accepted to the University of London Royal Holloway for a PhD in physics. I will be doing a research project in astroparticle physics focusing on noble gas based dark matter detectors. My flight was scheduled for Monday September 17th. Then a little more than a week before my flight, I was informed my visa application was missing an important sheet of paper, something called an ATAS certificate. Something needed for all science PhD students in England. Then the fury of phone calls and emails to bureaucratic organizations began. I have called every one I could and now all that is left is to wait and pray for the certificate and then the visa. I can only hope that it will arrive before my classes begin. I am stranded on a bench waiting for someone to let me on a train.

I started this blog a while ago with the intention of writing science based posts. I have realized instead that I would rather tell my story. The tale of going through grad school. The tale of sweat, blood, tears, and pencil shavings. There are others who will write science blogs, and I will leave them to it. So this is my adventure. Most start stories with a journey. I am starting this one waiting for a journey and with faith that all will be well.

little science girl

she wanders through life

asking question of everything

curiosity entices her mind

inquiry is her plaything

she is an eternal child

though her body may age

her delicate, strong hands are always at play

a whimsy of a lifetime is always maintained

"science is not a profession" she says

"it is a passion, a calling"

"i do science, because i can do no other"

do you find her beautiful?

Being Mentored

There are many options before me and I stuck here in eager anticipation of much desired results. My graduate school applications are nearly complete and now I am resigned to state that those in analytic professions despise. I must lay still and let fate decide.

While I am waiting, I ponder the question, what type of program will be best for me? I want to have the opportunity to do the best physics that my being is capable of. The question is what type of environment with induce these results. The answer is a place where I can be mentored. I seek a professor who will not only give me research assignments, but will sculpt me into a scientist. I am searching for a master who will let me be an apprentice.

UnVogue

When you are woman in man's field, you may be surprised at the little things you have to give up.

This is a picture of me. I am in my clean lab at UNL. Behind me is the chamber where I am conducting my experiment. I am attired in clean room garments. These include a dust minimizing lab coat, size large, a hair net, blue booties to wear over my shoes, blue surgical gloves, and a face mask. When the laser beam is on, this ensemble is completed with a pair of laser googles to protect my vision. Since it is a lab environment, close toed flat shoes are required. Being that it is a clean lab, long pants are mandated. Lasers reflect off bright surfaces so jewelry is minimized. A good deal of my work involves crawling around and being involved in manual labor, therefore practical shirts are a good idea. In this environment I am the most happy. I have the joy of discovery at my fingertips. Though there is tedium and frustration, I find the rewards to vastly outweigh the costs. However, one point that I must address, is to experience this lab, I have sacrificed appearances. There is flattering about my outfit. I will not be the cutest girl in my office. Fashion would be an unnecessary burden that would interfere with what is most important. It is well worth it, but it is still a price to pay.

This is another picture of me taken within 24 hours of the first picture. This is preparing to enjoy and evening with friends. I have make up on. I am wearing clothes that fit. I am allowed to wear my hair down. I feel comfortable in my appearance. This is the same person as the other picture and taken with the same poor quality camera, but it is different. I am fully scientist and fully woman, yet I did have to reconcile the two personas. When men enter a lab, they are generally attired in a manor that they would wear normally. This is often less true for women. I have chosen to indulge in a more feminine appearance when I am not working. I think this important. As more women flock to pursing a passion in science, there is a greater demand to demonstrate that femininity need not be abandoned to enter the field.

This final picture was taken in my office above the lab. I like this one. To me in represents a complete picture of being a woman in science. I have been criticized for the plainness of my attire in the lab by other women in other fields who sit at desks and flaunt heels and skirts according to their fancy. My simple clothes allow me the freedom to explore lasers, light, and new ideas. I can wear my heels on the weekends as I discuss my dreams of bigger research projects. Some may say that a focus on appearance is shallow and perhaps they are right. However, how you look, is often you are perceived. Each choice is followed by it's own perceptions.

I Walk Alone

This song is a cliche, yet it is special to me. There was a warm day in June when I went to New Jersey to pick up my new to me car. It a symbolic moment. It was the final piece of my independence. I was nineteen years old, afraid and free. I climbed into the car and looked at the back seat at my belongings, pulled out of the drive way and left my mother's home behind. As I crossed over the United States, every radio station played this song for the first two hours of my journey. This song was describing my life in that moment. It represents a snapshot of what I was. There was an air of loneliness and independence, freedom and passion. I was selfishly heading towards where I needed to be in life.

Those who follow dreams and live for a drive will find themselves in solitude. One must abandon what is common and sometimes what is social to find the meaning that is sought. I find myself more inclined towards a selfish motivation as I follow the allure of science. It is what drives me and the rational behind my choices. It has cost me that which is familiar. As I meet others in my field, I find this similarity. We live for our field and prioritize little above it. There is a selfishness is scholar that is oft ignored. It is the price we pay to live our dreams. We leave behind us the dreams of a traditional life and instead seek to change the world.

Different and New

My initial conception for this blog was to create a place to practice more scientific writing. As it is clearly apparent, as the demands of my schedule fed upon my spare time, I came to the realization that I could not maintain such an endeavor and this junction in my life. I am still interested in science but I will use this space as a method to express how I interact with universe and how I am developing as a scientist and physicist.

Nebraska. A state that never crossed my mind. Now I find my presence in a warm, open expanse on the campus of the University of Nebraska Lincoln. I have one goal this summer: to do excellent research in a field where I am presently completely ignorant. Yet I am confident that I can achieve what has been set before me. Perhaps this is why discoveries are reserved for the fools that walk this earth. There is certain amount of delusional self confience that is required. An art that I am only beginning to understand.